Codependency: Can People Change? The Belief That Keeps Us Stuck in Painful Relationships
Codependency Therapy | Emotional Maturity | Breaking Free from Toxic Hope
The Trap of Potential: Why Letting Go Is So Hard
Letting go of someone we love is never easy—but when that person is still alive and constantly promising change, it can feel impossible. Unlike the finality of death, which allows the grieving process to unfold with a certain clarity, the grief of a toxic or codependent relationship is ambiguous, prolonged, and disorienting.
This cyclical pain—loving someone based on their potential, not their reality—is emotionally exhausting. We hold onto impassioned apologies, teary promises, and hopeful "next times." But over and over, we’re let down, and the cycle continues.
Why We Stay: Childhood Roots and Emotional Survival
Many people who stay in painful, unfulfilling relationships aren’t weak—they’re repeating a survival strategy learned early in life. In childhood, especially in homes marked by neglect, abuse, or emotional inconsistency, children develop a kind of perpetual optimism. It becomes a way to survive—believing things will get better helps ease the helplessness.
As adults, this same optimism keeps us stuck, now tied to the belief that this person will change—if we love them enough, stay long enough, or forgive just one more time. We confuse loyalty with self-sacrifice, and love with endurance.
The Myth of Being “The More Loving One”
Poet W.H. Auden once wrote about the desire to be “the more loving one,” a noble aspiration. But in relationships with unhealed, self-destructive people, that aspiration can turn toxic. The belief that we can love someone out of their trauma becomes a heavy burden—a slow erosion of our own worth.
This is not love. It’s codependency. It’s staying not out of mutual connection, but out of the hope that our love will eventually change them.
The Dangerous Side of Optimism
Optimism is powerful—it fuels recovery, growth, and connection. But when misplaced, optimism becomes willful blindness. We overlook red flags, minimize hurtful behavior, and tell ourselves stories to justify staying. We believe we’re being patient and compassionate, but often we’re just avoiding the painful truth: they are not changing. And they may never choose to.
To make things even more complex, people can change—but not always for the better. Addiction, unhealed trauma, and emotional avoidance can deteriorate a person’s character over time. The person we once saw glimpses of can slowly vanish.
"You Can’t Expect Someone to Love You More Kindly Than They Love Themselves"
Philosopher Hannah Arendt once observed, “You can’t expect somebody who loves you to treat you less cruelly than he would treat himself.” This is especially true in codependent dynamics. When a person is still battling inner demons, unresolved trauma, or toxic self-beliefs, they cannot offer consistent, healthy love—no matter how hard you try to earn it.
Love cannot heal someone who refuses to heal themselves.
Breaking the Cycle: Codependency Therapy Can Help
Recognizing that you’re stuck in a cycle of false hope and emotional pain is the first step toward freedom. Codependency therapy helps you:
Understand why you stay in harmful relationships
Identify the difference between hope and reality
Reclaim your self-worth and personal boundaries
Build emotional resilience and healthy relational patterns
You don’t have to carry the burden of someone else’s healing. You deserve relationships that are mutual, safe, and growth-oriented.
💬 Ready to Break the Cycle?
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