Codependency: The Relationship Between Shame and Codependency
Codependency Therapy | Healing Internalized Shame | Self-Worth and Boundaries
Shame and codependency are deeply intertwined—and understanding their connection is essential for healing and growth. While embarrassment is something we all experience occasionally, shame is a deeper, more corrosive emotion that often fuels unhealthy relational patterns and low self-worth. In this blog, we’ll explore how shame develops, how it leads to codependency, and what steps you can take to begin healing.
Embarrassment vs. Shame: What’s the Difference?
Embarrassment is situational, fleeting, and morally neutral. It might arise from a social faux pas like burping during a meeting or mispronouncing a word. These moments are awkward, but they don’t shake your identity.
Shame, on the other hand, is a painful emotion that touches the core of who you believe you are. It makes you question your worth and moral character. Rather than thinking “I made a mistake,” shame says, “I am a mistake.”
When you see yourself as flawed or fundamentally “not good enough,” you begin to internalize that belief—and this is where shame begins to influence your entire life, especially your relationships.
The Roots of Shame in Codependency
Darlene Lancer, author of Conquering Shame and Codependency, explains that shame is often the foundation of codependent behaviors. In fact, many of the symptoms of codependency—such as people-pleasing, emotional caretaking, perfectionism, and control—are either responses to shame or attempts to avoid it.
Most codependents grew up in emotionally neglectful or invalidating environments. As children, they may have received the message (directly or indirectly) that their feelings, needs, or desires were “too much,” “wrong,” or “unimportant.” As a result, they learned to suppress their true selves to avoid rejection or abandonment.
Over time, this suppression becomes internalized shame—an ever-present sense that they are defective, unworthy, or inherently flawed.
How Shame Reinforces Codependent Behaviors
This internalized shame drives codependent individuals to seek validation, love, and safety through external means—usually by trying to meet the needs of others while ignoring their own. Because they believe they are unworthy of love unless they are useful, self-sacrificing, or perfect, they:
Constantly try to please others
Struggle to set or maintain boundaries
Feel uncomfortable with positive attention or praise
Are overly self-critical and never feel “good enough”
May become addicted to caretaking or control
Avoid conflict and suppress their true feelings
Eventually, this cycle of giving, self-denial, and shame becomes exhausting and emotionally destructive.
Healing Begins with Acknowledging Shame
The first step in breaking the cycle of codependency is learning to recognize and address internalized shame. This involves:
Identifying the roots of shame from childhood or earlier experiences
Distinguishing between guilt (what I did) and shame (who I am)
Practicing self-compassion and validating your own emotional needs
Building assertiveness and learning how to say no without guilt
Establishing boundaries that protect your well-being
Yes, facing shame can feel like yet another shameful experience. But processing and releasing it allows you to finally see yourself with truth and compassion—not judgment.
Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Your Self-Worth
You don’t have to work through shame alone. Therapy for codependency provides a safe space to untangle the emotional knots of shame and begin forming healthier relationships—with others and yourself.
When you start healing your relationship with you, everything begins to change.
👉 Book a free 15-minute consultation to begin your journey toward emotional freedom and self-worth.