Couples: Secrets to a Happy Marriage
Couples Therapy
Marriage is a union built on more than love—it's about commitment, shared goals, and mutual understanding. Yet, even in the most solid partnerships, challenges can arise when each partner brings unspoken expectations or assumptions into the relationship. A common one? “You should know I love you—I married you.” But sustaining a happy marriage requires more than words alone. It requires intentional action, emotional attunement, and ongoing connection.
The Foundation: Friendship
According to Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, friendship is the key ingredient to a lasting, fulfilling marriage. When you treat your spouse as your best friend, you're more likely to respond with empathy, patience, and understanding—even during disagreements.
Friendship in marriage means knowing your partner intimately: their values, likes and dislikes, hopes, fears, and quirks. It means choosing them daily and building trust through small acts of kindness. Think less grand romantic gestures, more about meaningful micro-moments—like buying their favorite fruit or sitting down to enjoy an activity they love.
These gestures build a deep emotional connection and create a buffer of fondness and admiration—a critical shield for when inevitable conflict arises.
Positive Sentiment Override (PSO)
Positive Sentiment Override is the state in which your positive perceptions of your partner outweigh the negative ones. When PSO is present, even during arguments, you assume your partner means well. You interpret their words and actions with generosity and compassion.
In practical terms, this means that during a disagreement, you're more likely to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, seeing their actions as rooted in stress, fatigue, or misunderstanding—not malice.
Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)
In contrast, Negative Sentiment Override occurs when negative perceptions dominate. Everything your partner does seems to come from a place of criticism, neglect, or blame—even when that’s not their intention.
For example, if your partner responds sharply when you ask about a missing suitcase before a trip, PSO might make you think, “They’re just stressed.” With NSO, you might think, “They’re blaming me again—typical.” The exact same moment, experienced entirely differently.
Repair Attempts: The Turning Point
Repair attempts are crucial to rebuilding trust, connection, and PSO after conflict. As Dr. Gottman describes, a repair attempt is any statement, action, or gesture intended to prevent a fight from escalating or to reconnect emotionally.
These can be verbal (“I didn’t mean to sound harsh—can we start over?”) or nonverbal (a hug, a smile, a touch). Effective repair attempts often depend on knowing your partner’s love language—whether it’s quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, or receiving gifts.
However, repair attempts only work when:
You offer them sincerely.
You understand how your partner receives love.
Your partner is open to accepting your olive branch.
Getting Back to What Matters
Many couples drift into a place of emotional complacency, where they go through the motions without truly feeling connected. They stop sharing admiration, become less affectionate, and let the friendship fade.
If small arguments are escalating quickly—or the relationship feels emotionally flat—it’s worth asking:
How strong is our friendship?
Are we operating from PSO or NSO?
Do we know how to repair after conflict?
These questions can help bring focus back to what really matters—mutual respect, understanding, and emotional safety.
A Happy Marriage Is Intentional
Great marriages don’t just happen—they’re built over time through friendship, empathy, effective communication, and daily effort. If you and your partner feel stuck, it might be time for a reset. Couples counseling can help you explore your emotional connection and develop the tools needed to bring the joy back into your relationship.
If you're feeling disconnected or want to strengthen your emotional bond, schedule a free consultation today. Couples therapy can help you identify unspoken expectations, improve communication, and rekindle the friendship that brought you together in the first place.