Sex Therapy: To the Wife Upset About Her Husband’s Porn Viewing
Sex Therapy | Understanding Porn Use | Relationship Intimacy After Pornography
Pornography can become a deeply emotional and divisive issue in relationships. If you've discovered that your husband watches porn—especially content that you find off-putting, degrading, or shocking—you may feel a combination of betrayal, anger, confusion, or even despair.
If you’ve asked him to stop, and he continues despite his promises, it’s understandable to feel deeply hurt. But what’s actually going on here? And is there a way forward? Let’s explore this from a therapeutic lens.
What I See When I Meet Your Husband
When I sit across from your husband—whether in person or through a screen—I don’t see a man who doesn’t care. I see someone scared of losing everything he values: you, your family, your life together.
I see someone confused by his own behavior and ashamed of his choices. I also see a man who avoids discomfort—especially difficult emotions or conflict—and who hasn’t yet learned how to navigate his inner world or communicate his needs. And that avoidance has played a major role in the situation you both now find yourselves in.
No, He’s Not Comparing You to Porn Stars
Despite what you may believe, he isn’t comparing your body to the ones he sees in porn. In fact, he knows that what he sees online is exaggerated fantasy—not reality. He understands that his body doesn’t look like a porn actor’s either. He loves your body—because it’s yours.
He’s not expecting real sex to look like porn. What he enjoys with you is different—and meaningful.
Pornography Is Symbolic and Often About Escape
Most porn is fantasy. It’s a symbolic escape from the daily stressors and pressures of life: fatigue, stress, emotional distance, performance anxiety, and more.
It’s not that your husband doesn’t desire you—it’s that he hasn’t developed the tools to cope with his discomfort or express his inner emotional needs. Porn becomes an escape route. It’s familiar. It’s predictable. And it doesn’t require emotional vulnerability.
Why He Keeps Watching—Even After Promising Not To
This is where therapy comes in. I help him explore not just what he’s doing, but why. Here’s what we’re uncovering so far:
Emotional awareness is underdeveloped. He knows when he’s “stressed” or “tired,” but we’re working on naming deeper emotions like “helpless,” “ashamed,” or “resentful.” These emotions play a direct role in his decision-making around sex and porn.
Breaking promises hurts his integrity. He’s aware that continuing to watch porn despite promising not to has broken trust. He feels the weight of that and is grappling with the damage it’s caused.
Avoidance is his coping strategy. Like many people, he avoids what’s painful or overwhelming. But his avoidance is so ingrained that he often doesn’t realize what he’s dodging.
He wants to make you happy—even at his own expense. When you’re disappointed in him, it crushes him. He internalizes it as a reflection of who he is. We’re working on helping him express truth—even when it’s uncomfortable—and remain present through difficult conversations.
The Role of Sex in Your Relationship
He’s mentioned that your interest in sex declined after your second child. This is completely normal, and extremely common. But for him, it was a hard adjustment—especially when he didn’t know how to talk about it or ask for what he needed.
Now, in therapy, he’s beginning to find his voice. And I hope, when he shares these insights with you, you can meet him with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.
What You Can Do Right Now
I encourage you to consider your own therapy. This is a painful and complex time, and you deserve support too. Therapy can help you process your feelings, hold boundaries with strength and grace, and prepare for the deeper conversations that are likely to come.
Despite how it feels right now, this may not be the end. It could be the beginning of a more connected, mature, and emotionally intimate stage of your relationship—if both of you are willing to do the work.
Hang in there. There’s hope.
Considering Sex Therapy? It Could Help.
If you're struggling to understand why you or your partner gravitate toward pornography despite emotional consequences, sex therapy can offer insight, tools, and healing. It's a safe space to rebuild trust and intimacy—both individually and as a couple.
👉 Book a free 15-minute consultation to learn how sex therapy can support your relationship.