Sex Therapy: When Is It Sex, and When Is It Sexual Abuse?
Sex Therapy | Consent | Trauma Recovery
Understanding the Difference Between Sex and Sexual Abuse
Sex is supposed to be mutual, pleasurable, and consensual. Unfortunately, for many people—especially survivors of sexual abuse—these lines can become blurred by trauma, shame, or confusion.
If you’ve experienced sexual violence or know someone who has, it’s important to have the language and clarity to differentiate healthy sexual experiences from violations of consent. This is an essential part of the healing process.
Why Shame Creates Confusion for Survivors
Survivors of sexual abuse often carry deep, misplaced shame—not only about what happened, but about themselves. This shame can linger for years and show up as self-blame, self-doubt, or confusion about one’s sexual identity and worth.
Common internal questions survivors may wrestle with include:
“Did something about me bring this on?”
“Did part of me want this?”
“Is this how I get love or attention?”
“Was I asking for it?”
“Am I too dirty for real love?”
These questions are symptoms of trauma—not reflections of truth.
The Impact of Childhood Abuse on Sexual Identity
If the abuse happened in childhood, survivors may grow up feeling emotionally confused about attention, affection, and sexuality. This confusion often continues into adulthood, making it hard to distinguish sexual desire from trauma reenactment or people-pleasing behaviors.
Sexual trauma can disconnect someone from their own body and internal cues. It may leave them questioning their impulses, pleasure, and worth—wondering if what they feel is “normal” or if they’re damaged.
Consent Is What Defines Sex
The key difference between sex and sexual abuse is consent.
Sex is equally wanted between equally empowered individuals.
Sexual abuse or assault is any unwanted sexual act that happens without mutual consent.
What Does Consent Mean?
Consent is a freely given, enthusiastic, and ongoing agreement between adults.
Consent must be conscious and informed.
You cannot consent if you are a child, unconscious, intoxicated, or being coerced or threatened.
Watch: Consent Explained with Tea
Why Arousal Does NOT Equal Consent
One of the most painful aspects of abuse is the misinterpretation of physical responses. Survivors sometimes experience:
Arousal
Lubrication
Erections
Even orgasm
These involuntary body reactions do not mean that the person wanted the experience. They are biological functions, not proof of desire or consent.
If you've ever:
Laughed at an inappropriate time
Blushed in embarrassment
Started crying when you didn’t want to
…then you know your body can react independently of your wishes. The same applies to genital responses during traumatic situations.
Sexual abuse that triggers a physical response is still abuse. The body’s reaction is not betrayal—it’s biology. And using that against a survivor is yet another form of manipulation and abuse.
Reclaiming Your Sexual Identity Through Healing
It’s possible to unravel shame and rebuild a healthy sense of sexuality. Sex therapy can help survivors:
Reframe the truth about what happened
Reconnect to their bodies
Establish boundaries
Explore what healthy sex looks and feels like—on their terms
You deserve safety, clarity, pleasure, and connection in your sexual life—free from shame, fear, or confusion.
💬 Struggling with Sexual Trauma? Let's Talk.
You’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it all out on your own.
👉 [Book a free 15-minute consultation] to explore how therapy can help you heal and reclaim your sexual wellbeing.