Sexual Addiction: DARVO - The Toxic Manipulation Tactic You Need to Know
Sexual Addiction Therapy | Emotional Abuse Recovery | Boundary Setting
Have you ever confronted someone about hurtful behavior—only to walk away feeling like you were the one at fault? Did they deny the incident, lash out at you, and suddenly claim to be the victim? If so, you’ve likely encountered a powerful manipulation tactic known as DARVO.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym for:
Deny – “That never happened!”
Attack – “You’re crazy!” or “You’re too sensitive!”
Reverse Victim and Offender – “I’m the one being mistreated!”
Coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd, DARVO is a defensive strategy used by abusers, narcissists, and individuals who refuse to take accountability. It’s often seen in emotionally abusive relationships, sexual betrayal dynamics, and toxic work environments.
How DARVO Plays Out
Let’s say you confront your partner about evidence of infidelity:
You: “I found these messages—you’ve been cheating on me.”
Them:
❌ “I never did that.” (Deny)
❌ “You’re the one who invaded my privacy—this is all your fault!” (Attack)
❌ “I can’t believe you don’t trust me. You’re abusive!” (Reverse Victim and Offender)
Suddenly, the focus has shifted. Now you’re defending yourself instead of holding them accountable.
Why DARVO is So Dangerous
DARVO creates emotional chaos that leaves you feeling:
Confused and disoriented
Guilty for speaking up
Anxious about addressing issues in the future
Isolated from others who might believe the manipulator’s version of events
It also reinforces gaslighting, making you question your own memory and instincts. Over time, this pattern can destroy your self-esteem and keep you stuck in toxic dynamics.
How to Recognize and Defend Against DARVO
1. Stay Grounded in Reality
Keep a written record of key conversations and behaviors. Journaling your experiences builds self-trust and clarity when someone tries to rewrite the past.
2. Avoid the Trap of Over-Explaining
When DARVO kicks in, the goal is to get you flustered and defensive. Instead of justifying yourself, refocus the conversation:
“This isn’t about how I feel. This is about what you did.”
3. Name the Pattern (If Safe to Do So)
Calling out DARVO can disarm the tactic—especially if the person isn’t expecting it:
“You’re denying what happened, attacking me, and now acting like the victim. That’s not accountability.”
4. Set Boundaries and Walk Away
Narcissists and manipulators thrive on drama. If they won’t own their behavior, disengage:
“I’m not continuing this conversation. When you’re ready to talk with respect and honesty, I’ll be open to listening.”
5. Seek Support from Safe People
Therapists, support groups, or trusted friends can offer validation, clarity, and tools for recovery. You don’t have to navigate DARVO alone.
💬 Final Thoughts: Reclaiming Your Voice
DARVO is a manipulation tactic meant to silence you—but naming it gives you power. You deserve relationships rooted in honesty, accountability, and mutual respect.
If you're struggling with betrayal trauma, emotional abuse, or the aftermath of being DARVOed, support is available.
🚨 Ready to Break the Cycle of Manipulation?
You don’t have to second-guess your reality or shrink your voice to avoid conflict.
👉 Book a confidential therapy consultation today to begin healing from toxic patterns and reclaim your emotional freedom.