How Can You Forgive Your Partner for What They Did During Addiction?
If you’ve experienced betrayal at the hands of a partner who was active in addiction—whether it was sexual acting out, infidelity, financial deception, or emotional abandonment—you're likely grappling with a heavy, painful question:
“How do I forgive someone for something they did when they ‘weren’t themselves’?”
This question isn’t just about forgiveness—it’s about trust, trauma, identity, and the very real wounds left in the wake of addiction.
First, Let’s Get One Thing Straight: Your Pain Is Valid
When your partner says, “I wasn’t myself” or “It was the addiction, not me,” it can feel like a dismissal of your pain. You might wonder if your suffering matters, or worse, if you’re being asked to “just get over it.”
Let me be clear:
Addiction is not an excuse for betrayal.
It might help explain the behavior, but it doesn’t erase its impact.
You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to feel rage, confusion, sadness, and fear—even if your partner is sober now.
What Forgiveness Is (And What It’s Not)
Forgiveness is often misunderstood, especially in the context of betrayal trauma. Forgiveness is not:
Saying what happened was okay
Forgetting or minimizing the harm
Rushing to reconcile
Offering a “clean slate” before trust is rebuilt
Forgiveness, when it’s right for you, is more about freeing yourself from the emotional grip of the betrayal, so it no longer defines your identity, your choices, or your nervous system.
It doesn’t mean trusting your partner again. It doesn’t mean staying in the relationship. It just means releasing yourself from carrying the weight of their choices forever.
Why Forgiveness Is So Complicated in Addiction Recovery
In betrayal trauma, we often encounter this duality:
My partner is working hard in recovery... but I still feel unsafe.
They say they’ve changed... but I still remember who they were when they hurt me.
This is especially hard when:
The betrayal happened over a long period of time
Your partner was emotionally unavailable or defensive during their addiction
You were gaslit, blamed, or minimized when you brought up your concerns
You now carry trauma symptoms—hypervigilance, distrust, dissociation—that linger even after sobriety begins
These are not just wounds from the addiction—they’re attachment injuries. Forgiveness can’t be forced while the nervous system is still in survival mode.
So... How Do You Forgive?
Here are some trauma-informed truths:
1. Safety Comes Before Forgiveness
You can’t authentically forgive someone if you don’t feel emotionally or physically safe. Healing requires a felt sense of safety, not just an intellectual understanding of your partner’s recovery.
Ask yourself:
Is my partner showing consistent sobriety and empathy?
Do I feel emotionally attuned and respected?
Are my boundaries honored, or negotiated only when convenient?
If not, forgiveness may not be the next step—boundaries and stabilization might be.
2. Grieve First, Then Forgive
You cannot skip the grief. If you do, forgiveness becomes a performance, not a transformation.
Grieve the version of your relationship you thought you had.
Grieve the betrayal, the innocence lost, the time spent doubting yourself.
Forgiveness may follow—but only if grief is given the dignity it deserves.
3. Separate the Person from the Behavior, Not the Impact
It’s okay to say:
“I know you were sick... and I was still hurt.”
“I know addiction affected your choices... and I still have to recover from what those choices cost me.”
You are allowed to hold both truths: compassion for the person and accountability for the harm.
4. Forgiveness Can Be a Private Act
You don’t have to tell your partner you forgive them.
Forgiveness can be something you do in your journal, in therapy, in your soul—without ever inviting them back into intimacy.
Sometimes forgiveness is saying: “I release the hope that the past could have been different.”
5. Get Support from Those Who Understand Both Addiction and Trauma
Not all therapists or support groups understand the complexity of betrayal trauma. You deserve a space that validates both your experience and your boundaries.
Look for professionals trained in:
Betrayal trauma (e.g., APSATS model)
Sex and love addiction recovery (e.g., CSATs)
Polyvagal Theory, EMDR, and IFS for nervous system regulation
Final Thoughts:
Forgiveness is not a task you check off to prove you’ve healed.
It’s a possibility—a byproduct of real safety, real accountability, and deep emotional repair.
You don’t owe forgiveness.
But if it ever comes, let it be a gift you give to yourself first.
And remember: you are not alone in this. If you’d like to schedule a free 15-minute consultation, reach out now.