When Couples Therapy Makes Things Worse: Why Abuse Dynamics Need a Different Approach

Couples therapy is powerful, transformative, and life-changing when two people are operating in relatively equal emotional, psychological, and relational capacity.

But when there is abuse, coercion, chronic betrayal, gaslighting, or power imbalance, couples therapy can actually make things worse.

Why?

Because you cannot treat a relationship like apples to apples when one partner is actually holding an orange—a fundamentally different relational pattern rooted in manipulation, trauma, or imbalance of power.

And most therapists aren’t trained to tell the difference.

This leads to:

• Victims being blamed

• Abusers being validated

• Cycles being reinforced

• Shame deepening

• Dangerous dynamics becoming more entrenched

Let’s talk about why this happens—and what safe, ethical treatment looks like instead.

Traditional Couples Therapy Assumes Equality. Abuse Dynamics Are Not Equal.

Most couples therapy models (Gottman, EFT, IBCT, etc.) assume:

• Both partners can regulate

• Both want connection

• Both have accountability capacity

• Both can tell the truth

• Both feel safe enough to be vulnerable

• Both are operating in good faith

But abuse is not a communication problem.
It is a power and control problem.

Which means:

• One partner may dominate the narrative

• One may use therapy to manipulate

• One may weaponize vulnerability

• One may shift blame

• One may perform insight without change

• One may minimize harm

• One may retaliate after sessions

• One may lie, distort, or withhold information

This is not a relationship problem.
This is a safety and accountability problem.

No amount of “better communication” fixes that.

Why Couples Therapy Sometimes Harms the Victim

1. It creates false equality

Holding both partners “equally accountable” when one is being abused is deeply invalidating.

It teaches the victim:

• “You're partly to blame.”

• “Your reactions are the problem.”

• “You need to regulate more.”

Meanwhile, the abusive partner hears:

• “See? Even the therapist thinks you're part of the problem.”

• “I’m not the issue—you are.”

This reinforces the cycle.

2. It gives the abusive partner more tools to manipulate

Abusive partners often gain:

• Insight they don’t use

• Language they weaponize

• Vulnerability they exploit

• Therapy content they twist later at home

Session information becomes ammunition.

3. It increases danger outside the therapy room

After sessions, the abusive partner may:

• Retaliate

• Punish the victim

• Accuse them of “ganging up”

• Become more controlling

• Demand more access

• Use disclosures against them

Therapy should never increase threat.

4. It pressures the victim into “repairing” what isn’t theirs to repair

Victims often come into therapy already overfunctioning.

Putting them in a room where they have to:

• defend themselves

• regulate more

• justify their emotions

• explain their boundaries

is retraumatizing.

5. It ignores the real issue: loss of relational safety

Without safety, there is no intimacy.
Without accountability, there is no repair.
Without honesty, there is no therapeutic movement.

Traditional couples therapy cannot operate in a system where one partner:

• won’t take responsibility

• lies or distorts reality

• breaks agreements

• betrays trust

• controls the narrative

• or harms the other

This is why trying to treat these dynamics together can be dangerous.

The “Apples to Apples” vs. “Oranges” Problem

Couples therapy requires treating both partners like they are bringing the same type of relational functioning to the room.

This works when:

• both are wounded but willing

• both are dysregulated but motivated

• both have protective parts but care about repair

That’s apples to apples.

But in abusive relationships, one partner is often bringing:

• lack of empathy

• coercive control

• dishonesty

• emotional volatility

• entitlement

• chronic betrayal

• inability to self-reflect

That’s an orange.

Trying to treat a relationship as if both are apples is a clinical error.

The therapy will fail—because the premise is wrong.

What Needs to Happen Instead

1. Individual assessment, not immediate couples work

Each partner should be evaluated separately for:

• abuse patterns

• emotional regulation capacity

• trauma history

• accountability readiness

• attachment wounds

• safety risks

• personality traits

• mental health concerns

In abusive dynamics, the couple should not be placed in the same room until safety and accountability are addressed.

2. The abusive partner must take responsibility

Not defensiveness.
Not insight theatre.
Not performative apologies.

Actual accountability requires:

• admitted harm

• transparency

• consistency

• behavioral change

• maintained empathy

• willingness to do individual work

This cannot be forced.

3. The victim needs stabilization and support

This includes:

• trauma therapy

• nervous system regulation

• reality validation

• empowerment

• boundaries

• safety planning

• understanding trauma bonds

• attachment repair

They should not be pressured into joint sessions where harm may occur.

4. Couples therapy is only appropriate once safety is established

Only when:

• honesty is consistent

• the abuser shows accountability

• the victim is safe and resourced

• power is more balanced

• coercion has stopped

• both partners have individual support

can couples work begin.

This protects both partners—emotionally, psychologically, and physically.

Couples Therapy Is Not the Starting Point for Abuse Dynamics—It’s the Outcome of Real Change

When abuse is present, couples therapy is a later phase, not an entry point.

Trying to start there is like:

• Putting a roof on a foundation that’s collapsing

• Building intimacy without safety

• Asking two people to “communicate better” while one is terrified

• Treating “relationship issues” when the real issue is power

Abuse is not a relationship problem.
It is a harm problem.
And harm requires accountability before repair.

If You’re Unsure Whether Your Relationship Is Safe for Couples Work, I Can Help

If you’re noticing signs of:

• control

• chronic betrayal

• gaslighting

• emotional volatility

• fear

• trauma bonding

• unequal power

• confusion about what’s “normal”

you deserve support from someone who understands the complexity.

✨ I offer a free 15-minute consultation.

This is a confidential space where we can explore what you’re experiencing and determine whether couples therapy—or individual work—is the safest next step.

You’re not meant to figure this out alone.
And you deserve a therapeutic approach that protects your safety—not one that accidentally harms it.