Couples Coaching for Attachment Repair After Betrayal

When Trust Is Broken, Conversations Stop Feeling Safe

After betrayal or chronic acting out, even simple conversations can escalate quickly.

You may love each other — and still feel exhausted by the damage.

You may find yourselves:

• Having the same fight repeatedly

• One partner pursuing, the other defending

• Trying to repair but making things worse

• Rehashing the past without resolution

• Feeling stuck between rage and shutdown

Without structure, rupture conversations often retraumatize both partners.

Repair is possible — but only when there is enough stability to slow the process down.

Couples Therapy After Betrayal Is Not Traditional Couples Therapy

When infidelity or chronic acting out has occurred, the rupture is not symmetrical.

This is not a situation where both partners simply “take responsibility for their part.”

Attachment injury requires repair.

The partner who acted out has more work to do in rebuilding safety and trust.

That includes:

• Consistent behavioral change

• Transparency

• Accountability without defensiveness

• Tolerating the impact of the harm caused

Without that foundation, couples therapy becomes premature.

We Begin with Stabilization — Not Atonement

Before we process the full impact of the betrayal, we build capacity.

Phase 1 focuses on:

• Nervous system stabilization

• Structured communication tools

• Slowing defensive cycles

• Establishing transparency

• Increasing regulation capacity

• Preparing for impact conversations

Only when both partners can tolerate difficult conversations without escalation do we move into deeper repair work, including impact and atonement conversations.

Structured repair prevents retraumatization.

Our Phased Repair Model

Couples coaching is organized in phases with evaluation checkpoints between each stage.
We move forward based on capacity — not just time.

Phase 1: Stabilize & Atone

Goal: Establish safety and accountability.

We assess:

• Has acting out stopped consistently?

• Is disclosure complete?

• Can conversations remain regulated?

• Is the acting-out partner tolerating accountability without collapse or defensiveness?

Evaluation checkpoint:
If regulation and accountability are not stable, we remain in this phase or return to individual work.

Phase 2: Attune

Goal: Rebuild emotional connection with structure.

We assess:

• Can both partners tolerate structured impact conversations?

• Is co-regulation increasing?

• Are defensive cycles decreasing?

• Is empathy accessible on both sides?

Evaluation checkpoint:
If conversations escalate or retraumatize, we strengthen stabilization before proceeding.

Phase 3: Attach

Goal: Reconstruct the relationship from a regulated foundation.

We focus on:

• Rebuilding intimacy

• Secure-functioning habits

• Shared meaning

• Preventing relapse into old attachment patterns

As stability increases, sessions often taper.

Couples Work Is Most Effective Alongside Individual Recovery

In cases of betrayal or chronic acting out, couples therapy does not replace individual recovery work.

Repair is most effective when:

• The acting-out partner is actively engaged in structured recovery

• The betrayed partner is receiving trauma-informed support

• Both partners are building regulation capacity individually

This staged approach aligns with CSAT-informed recovery models.

Without individual stabilization, couples therapy often becomes reactive and unproductive.

Repair becomes possible when both partners can tolerate attachment distress without abandoning themselves.

The Role of Couples Coaching

My role is not to determine whether you should stay together or separate. It is to assess whether structured repair is clinically appropriate and to guide the process if both partners demonstrate readiness. Couples coaching does not guarantee reconciliation. It provides a contained framework for evaluating whether secure repair is possible.

Disclosure

Required Conditions Before Scheduling

• Acting out has stopped consistently
• Individual recovery is active
• Full disclosure document prepared
• Both partners in individual support
• Pre-disclosure prep sessions completed

No impulsive disclosures.

No emergency disclosures.

No last-minute chaos.

Readiness Consultation Required

Because post-betrayal repair requires stability and structure, all couples begin with:

1. Individual consultations for each partner, followed by

2. A joint readiness consultation.

In these sessions, we assess:

• Recovery stage

• Regulation capacity

• Accountability

• Safety

• Whether couples coaching is the appropriate next step

If additional stabilization is needed, we determine the appropriate first phase of work.

Couples Are a Good Fit If:

• Acting out has stopped consistently

• Disclosure is complete

• Both partners are willing to take responsibility for their internal states

• Both are open to practicing regulation outside of sessions

• Both are willing to use structured repair methods

Repair requires two people willing to tolerate attachment distress without abandoning themselves or the relationship.

Couples Are Not a Good Fit If:

• Acting out is ongoing

• Deception continues

• Sessions would primarily involve yelling or emotional flooding

• Either partner refuses accountability

• There is ongoing emotional or physical abuse

In these cases, individual stabilization or a higher level of care is more appropriate.

What This Work Is Not

• Crisis intervention during active acting out
• A place for surprise or unprepared disclosures
• Arbitration or determining who is “right”
• A guarantee of reconciliation
• Traditional weekly venting sessions

This is structured attachment repair work. Progress depends on regulation, accountability, and adherence to the phased model.

Repair Is Possible — With Structure

Relationship repair after betrayal is serious work.

It requires:

• Consistent change

• Regulation capacity

• Accountability

• Patience

When those elements are present, structured repair can be transformative.

Ways to Work With Me: Couples Recovery Coaching

Couples recovery work is offered as structured coaching rather than insurance-based therapy. Relationship rupture and attachment repair do not fit cleanly within a mental health diagnosis model, and this work focuses on structured relational repair rather than treating a psychiatric disorder.

Because this is coaching:

• Sessions are not billed to insurance
• A diagnosis is not required
• Work can be conducted virtually with couples in any U.S. state
• Coaching is educational and skills-based in nature

Format

All couples begin with:

1. Individual assessment sessions for each partner

2. A joint readiness consultation

Ongoing sessions follow the phased repair model outlined above.

Fee

$175 per 50-minute virtual session.

Longer sessions for disclosure or impact work are scheduled in extended formats and prorated accordingly.

Choosing the Right Starting Point

Couples therapy after betrayal requires stabilization before repair.

If you are unsure whether you are ready to begin couples work, consider the following:

• Begin with individual recovery work if acting out has not fully stopped, disclosure is incomplete, or regulation capacity is still developing. Structured individual stabilization is often the first phase of repair.

• Request a readiness consultation if acting out has stopped consistently, disclosure is complete, and both partners are willing to engage in structured repair.

• Delay couples therapy if conversations routinely escalate into emotional flooding, defensiveness, or shutdown. Additional stabilization may be necessary before conjoint work can be effective.

All couples begin with individual consultations for each partner, followed by a joint readiness consultation to determine the appropriate phase of work.

This structure protects both partners from entering repair prematurely and reduces the risk of retraumatization.